


Missing Kanan

by Hang Him Higher (morbiditty)



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: 58, 85, Early Series, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief, M/M, Porn, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-04
Updated: 2009-08-04
Packaged: 2018-01-12 09:08:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morbiditty/pseuds/Hang%20Him%20Higher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo comforts Hakkai the only way he knows how.</p><p>Originally posted on FF.net.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing Kanan

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the manga-verse. This takes place right after Yaone almost takes her own life and Kougaiji saves her. Which is before their encounter with Chin Yisou.
> 
> Also, this was written a long time ago and I'm sorry for the terrible writing.

Gojyo could hear someone crying.

He was sitting upright in his bed, staring at the bedcovers. At first he thought he was imagining things. Sometimes, even now, when he heard rustling or running water in the distance, he'd hear a broken woman in the far corners of the house crying. He'd be back in his childhood room, unable to sleep—too afraid to sleep, for fear she would storm in and yank him out of bed and beat him. Sometimes that was what the crying turned into. So, even now, he would hear her crying. Then he'd wiggle his pinkies in his ears, listen again, and realize he was hallucinating. He'd chuckle dryly to himself and throw a pillow over his head.

Not this time. He'd been sitting here for a good few minutes listening. He knew who it was, too. Goku and Sanzo had rooms across the hall. His room was in the corner, and the only room next to him was Hakkai's. From the layout of the inn, which he'd been thinking about hard ever since he'd heard the sounds, the bathroom joined to Hakkai's room was right next to where his bed was. That matched the slight echo sound that accompanied each sob. He didn't think that Hakkai knew this—he was probably hiding in the bathroom so he  _wouldn't_ be heard. After all, he'd been the one to ask for separate rooms, to which Sanzo readily agreed.

Gojyo scrubbed his face roughly with both hands and let out a sigh. He abhorred other people crying. As much as it pained him to admit it, he wished Hakkai would just suck it up this time and let him sleep. He didn't think he could handle this. His best friend was crying in the next room—what the hell was he supposed to do? Ignore it and try to sleep? Hell no! But what could he do?

Then something in him snapped; this was not his  _goddamned mother_ , this was his  _friend_! His friend needed him right now. He got out of bed quietly and padded silently to the door in his bare feet. As he slipped out of his room, he made an effort to be as silent as possible. Sanzo was a light sleeper, and if he heard any creeping around he might think it was a youkai and come out with a gun. Gojyo really didn't want to be "mistaken" for a youkai right now.

He inched slowly along the hallway wall and tried the doorknob to Hakkai's room. It was locked.  _Damn,_  he thought. He turned it again, but this time sharply twisted it as hard as he could. There was a loud pop and the door opened. He slipped inside and shut the door, heart pounding. He listened hard, but he didn't hear any change. The crying sound was louder in this room. A human could probably hear it once they got this close.

He walked to the bathroom door, which wasn't closed, and peered in. What he saw made his heart jump in his throat and brought tears to his eyes at the same time. Hakkai was sitting on the closed toilet seat with a hand muffling his mouth, and the other hand was working a half-hearted erection. His eyes were closed and tears dripped down as sobs wracked his body. He was crying really hard.

Something, a little sound of movement, or maybe Gojyo's breathing, alerted him, making him look up, at which point he saw Gojyo standing in the doorway. Shock registered on his face and the sudden flurry of activity that resulted was so uncharacteristic of him that Gojyo would have laughed in any other situation. He first covered his genitals, fumbling with his clothes until he settled on pulling his night shirt down, and then tried in vain to wipe the tears from his face. He stuttered, "Go—Gojyo, how did you  _*hup*_ get in here? I lo—locked the door—"

Gojyo swallowed the lump in his throat and choked out, "Sorry man, I guess they didn't count on youkai strength. The locks aren't worth shit."

Hakkai finished wiping his face. He was gripping his clothes near his erection so hard his knuckles were white. There was an awkward moment as Hakkai stared at Gojyo's feet as he tried in vain to suppress a hiccup, then he whispered, "Please Gojyo, could  _*hup*_ you  _*hup*_ leave?"

Gojyo began gesturing vaguely as he stumbled over his next words. "I didn't know you were—I mean, if I'da known, I wouldn'ta—but hey, it's too late now. Um, I guess, just uh—You know, I could, uh, hear you cryin' and um…"

Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut in pain. "I'm so soh—sorry Gojyo. I was trying  _*hup*_ —trying to be quiet."

"Yeah well, I got sharp ears. 'specially for this shit. You wanna tell your ole pal Gojyo what's wrong?" he prodded, trying to sound as gentle as possible. Gojyo could guess what was wrong, but sometimes it was better to let the other person say it. Sometimes it wasn't even about what you thought it was.

"If—* _hup*—_ I tell you, will—* _hup*—_ you go—* _hup*—_ away?" Hakkai said amidst particularly aggressive hiccups.

"Yeah," Gojyo lied. Hakkai looked skeptical, and pained, but said, "Today, Yaone-san's actions remin _*hup*_ —reminded me of Ka—Ka **—** Kanan. Even after all  _*hup*_ this time, she's still so fresh— _*gasp*_ —so fresh in... in my mind. Then, when I think of her, I think...of all our times  _*hup*_  together…" He trailed off, and Gojyo could guess what he alluded to. Hakkai hung his head.

"Gotcha," Gojyo said quietly.

"Then, I—" a sob interrupted, and he covered his eyes with a hand. He was still covering himself with the shirt. The way he held it tented the fabric and the hanyou currently watching him was unable to see anything. Thank the gods for that. "I muh-miss her—" He seemed like he wanted to say more, but he was unable to continue. He began to cry again, loudly.

A bubble of sadness for his friend surrounded with a hard shell of pain from his own abandonment formed in Gojyo's chest. He felt tears straining to break free from his eyes. He refused to blink, refused to let them fall. He wiped at them with his fingertips as he stepped into the room, glad that Hakkai wouldn't see. He walked over to Hakkai and kneeled down partially so he was on Hakkai's level. He touched his shoulder gently and squeezed. "It's okay," he said lamely. God, he sucked at comforting people. He wondered if that was Mom's fault, too.

Hakkai relinquished the death grip on his face and transferred it to the hand on his shoulder. He squeezed it hard like it was the only thing holding him to reality. The view to Hakkai's screwed up, pained face with tears streaming down it was worse than seeing him crouched, hidden, crying. Gojyo had to suppress a shudder at the memory of his mother's similar expression. One memory in particular surfaced—it was one of his earliest memories of her, and now that he thought about it, could have been the first time he'd been beaten really badly. She had looked over and saw him in the doorway, and hate had erased the pain in her expression. He still remembered feeling glad that something had taken away her pain, even for a moment. That feeling had remained even as she clawed him. He remembered smiling as he struggled not to cry, bleeding into the carpet.

Gojyo didn't think about what he should do next. He was unable to. He just wanted to erase that look with something else. Anything else. "C'mon, she's  _been_  dead," he said, "for years." He snapped his mouth shut when Hakkai looked at him with glossy green eyes filled with a mixture of surprise and fresh pain. The grip on his hand slackened.

"Shit!" Gojyo chastised himself. He squeezed the bony shoulder harder. "That's not what I meant to say. I mean, she's been dead for a few years now, and, you know,  _I'm_  here." The last few words were spoken quietly and Gojyo was unable to meet Hakkai's eyes. Hakkai made a confused noise in his throat that was distorted by a sniff afterwards. Gojyo mentally gathered his strength and looked up. Hakkai looked confused, but—to Gojyo's relief—that meant the pain was mostly gone from his face.

"I mean—" Gojyo tried to continue, but he really didn't know how to justify what he'd said. Of all the stupid times to be impulsive!

Hakkai smiled then, one of his uber-fake-scary smiles. "It's okay." Hakkai's hand dropped from his and he turned his head away.

"Hakkai, I—"

"It's okay, Gojyo. Can you please just leave me alone now? I need to work this out on my own." His voice was surprisingly steady, with only a little trace of his former tears. Gojyo got the impression he was forcing it.

Then Gojyo hit upon a brilliant—or perhaps entirely retarded—idea. "No you don't! Like I said, I'm here."

Gojyo took advantage of the healer's confusion to stand and fluidly put his leg over the toilet so he was behind Hakkai. There was barely enough space to do that with the bathtub so close. He sat down slowly. There wasn't enough room for him of course, but Hakkai's body was light, and he put his hands on his waist and lightly pushed him forward until there was room. It was rather cramped for both of them.

"What are you doing?" Hakkai protested, shocked. He stiffened his body and tried to turn to see what Gojyo was doing. Gojyo slipped his arms from just his waist to encompass his whole middle, under his arms. He pulled him against his chest and grabbed him firmly. Hakkai made to stand up, but it was too late, Gojyo had him firmly. "Gojyo! Let me go!" he protested again, sounding angry this time.

 _I'm dead_ , Gojyo thought.

"Relax, 'Kai. Ain't gonna hurt ya," he whispered in Hakkai's ear and placed a small kiss to said man's earlobe. Hakkai shivered and pulled at Gojyo's hands. "Gojyo!" Panic, now, too.  _I'm on a roll_ , the kappa thought wryly. ... _With butter,_ his mind added, without his permission.

The human-turned-youkai was unwilling to use his full strength, because Gojyo knew that if Hakkai wanted to, he could probably get away. Without taking off his limiters he'd have to be a bit wily, but he could do it. Gojyo thought he'd better act fast before that happened. He transitioned an arm further down. Through all his struggling and protesting, Hakkai had kept his hand bunched in the fabric that comprised the bottom hem of his shirt, keeping his modesty. He wasn't able to hold it down all the way around though, so Gojyo wormed his way under the shirt anyway. All that practice with feisty women playing hard to get was coming in handy.

He found Hakkai's hardon easily and gripped it without hesitation.  _Just pretend it's your own,_  he instructed himself. He tugged.

Hakkai bucked with a strangled, "Goj-!" He got a few inches away before Gojyo slammed him back to his body and held him tight. He wiggled as Gojyo tugged again. "Gojyo!" he said, voice tinged a bit with pleasure. That sounded good. And, Gojyo noticed, with a distinct feeling he knew announced the danger of getting his own erection, Hakkai was getting very, very hard at his touch.

Gojyo, ignoring Hakkai now pulling at both of his wrists, squeezed with a steady pressure. He began to stroke in an easy manner, making sure to squeeze the head on every pass. Hakkai had coated himself with what felt like some sort of lotion, and it made a slick sound as Gojyo's hand moved.

It took a good minute, but Hakkai stopped tugging at his hands, and was instead holding on like he was on a rollercoaster. He was panting hard and his head was lolled back to rest on Gojyo's shoulder. His hips wiggled now and then, and his chest heaved, but otherwise he was stiff. Still, Gojyo figured it was safe to move a little bit, so he used his fingers to scrunch up Hakkai's shirt in his hand. This gave him a good view besides making things easier.

He had to admit, he'd jacked off more times than he could count, but this felt way different. The flesh was warm and velvety in his hand, and every pulse and twitch felt amazing. It was turning him on. He ignored the throbbing in his own pants and hoped to whatever gods were out there that Hakkai wouldn't notice.

Gojyo began kissing Hakkai's exposed neck, licking and nipping him lightly, trying to get him into it. Hakkai gasped when the hanyou sucked on the spot behind his ear, and so he latched onto it with a vengeance. "Gojyo, I don't…I don't _understand_ ," Hakkai said, voice tinged with pleasure, but one could still pick out the pain in it. Gojyo had to wonder how he could keep his voice so calm.

"You don't have to, just enjoy it," Gojyo chastised, biting for emphasis.  _It doesn't even make sense to me_ , he added silently. He started going a little faster with his hand. Under his arm he could feel the muscles in Hakkai's abdomen flexing as the onslaught of pleasure continued. It was memesmerizing, holding this warm body, all hard definition and muscle. His face might be feminine but his body had always been skinny and masculine. Even his moans were deep and rich, masculine. Even so, they were  _really_  turning Gojyo on, as uncomfortable as he was to admit this.

By the way they were sitting he knew Hakkai could feel his now throbbing hardon against his backside. He just hoped the guy would ignore it, because there was no way he was stopping now. Then Hakkai's body undulated, rubbing his erection in the process, and he got even harder. As mortifying as that was, he  _still_  wasn't going to stop. But dammit, if this situation was not what he'd been expecting at all.  _Like it's my own, my ass_ , Gojyo thought.

A particularly hard grind made him give a muffled moan. He realized he was breathing rapidly, and so he moved away from Hakkai's ear in case the healer got bothered by it so close to his ear. He used his mouth and chin to push Hakkai's loose shirt off his shoulder and pressed kisses to the newly exposed skin. Another hard grind had him gripping Hakkai harder by accident. Hakkai moaned and bucked again. Now he knew Hakkai was doing it on purpose. Was he getting off on feeling Gojyo's erection? "Fuck," Gojyo whispered into Hakkai's shoulder.

Hakkai responded with a dismayed but pleasure filled grumble. Then he said, "I'll never forgive you for…for taking advantage of me… like this," he said. He sobbed then, thrusting at the same time into Gojyo's hand. Gojyo was silent, dumbfounded. How could he think that? Why was he analyzing this in the first place?

He took his revenge in the form of a double-fisted grip. He kept his elbows tight to Hakkai's body so the shirt wouldn't slip down, and of course so he was still trapped. He shuffled around a bit until they were rearranged so that he could thrust against Hakkai's lower back, which would push Hakkai's hips forward straight into his gripping hands. He set up a punishing pace and soon had Hakkai crying out like he was getting fucked. And god that felt good. He suppressed his own moans and concentrated on giving Hakkai the most pleasure.

It didn't take long like this. "No, I can't-!" Hakkai cried out. His body stiffened and Gojyo got rougher and faster. As Hakkai came, he grabbed Gojyo's thighs and arched up with a high cry. He continued to cry out as his orgasm ripped through him. His come splattered on the opposite wall and dripped down Gojyo's hands. Gojyo milked him until his body collapsed back down and went still. He gently rubbed the softening cock and enjoyed Hakkai's little sounds of continued pleasure.

When he stopped he and Hakkai sat for a quiet moment as Hakkai rested, practically prostrate on his friend. Finally he stirred and Gojyo leaned back, allowing him room to pull up his pajama bottoms. Hakkai then wobbly transferred his seat to the edge of the bathtub a foot away. Gojyo rearranged himself in his jeans but otherwise kept his position, waiting for Hakkai's reaction. As much as he knew he shouldn't be, he was waiting for the beating.

Hakkai's face was flushed and he was breathing hard. He sat leaned forward slightly with his hands on the porcelain to each side of him. He stared at the floor and seemed at a loss for what to do, but Gojyo could see the thoughts swimming in his head. For his part, Gojyo's mind was blessedly blank, though probably more out of a refusal to face the facts. He sat with his legs still open and his back against the toilet, arms folded, and resolutely ignoring his erection. He could see the huge bulge out of the corner of his eye, and he wished it would go away, because it wasn't helping this situation at all.

Gojyo hated this silence, so he said timidly, "Why do you think I was taking advantage of you?"

"Why else?" came the disgruntled and VERY angry reply. Well, he didn't  _sound_  angry, but Gojyo could tell he was seething. The dude had a nasty temper, when it came out. A thousand youkai had found that out the hard way. Gojyo knew he was treading on thin ice. He was about to become stir-fry if he wasn't careful.

Gojyo weighed his next words carefully. "Hakkai, you're my friend, and quite frankly, you're a guy. How am I benefiting from this situation? I don't care about that. I just thought it would help if you got off."

Hakkai sat silently staring for a few seconds. Then he blinked and looked up at Gojyo, meeting his eyes. Whatever he saw there seemed to reassure him. He gave a little apologetic smile and pointed. "Then what's that?" His smile grew into a mock innocent and—on the surface—happy expression. Gojyo was reassured by that look, one he recognized; it told him Hakkai was cracking a joke.

Gojyo had to grin back at that expression. He opted for being silly. "Oh, that's just Sanzo's gun. Thought I'd borrow it."

Hakkai looked at him intensely, still with that amused smile, and perhaps a glint of what could be lust, and said, as serious as could be, "When did Sanzo buy a rifle?"

Gojyo and Hakkai stared at each other, Hakkai amused and Gojyo slightly surprised, before Gojyo burst out into embarrassed laughter and Hakkai followed, doubling over.

After the laughing died out, Hakkai sighed and sat up straight. "I don't feel like crying anymore," he admitted. A fake smile was on his face, his polite one, but it was better than his anger—or his pain. Gojyo grinned. "What else did you expect from the erogappa?"

Gojyo slapped his hands to his knees and stood with a sigh that said 'all is well'. Hakkai looked at his outstretched hand. "C'mon, let's get you to bed. It's no time to be up."

"Isn't this about the time that you used to get home?" Hakkai reminisced, grasping that proffered hand.

"Yeah well, you were always asleep weren't you?" Gojyo tried to dispel the feeling of Hakkai's hand in his once it was gone. It was no good to dwell. It was harder to ignore the warmth from the proximity of Hakkai standing in front of him, though.

"Ah, no. Sometimes. It was always hard to sleep when you were gone."

Gojyo focused. "Oh man, that makes me feel good," the hanyou said sarcastically, turning.

"I got used to it. And now that we're on this mission that doesn't matter, does it?" Hakkai said as Gojyo led the way. Abruptly he stopped, making Gojyo stop, too. Gojyo looked back at him. Hakkai didn't meet his eyes as he said, "I should clean up, first." Gojyo peeked at his hands. It was his turn to look sheepish. "Yeah," he responded and followed him back into the bathroom. While he washed his hands, Hakkai got some tissue and scrubbed the wall.

As he toweled his hands dry, he watched Hakkai out of the corner of his eye. The man sighed and stood up, throwing the tissue in the small trashcan beside the sink. Then he took his turn at washing his hands. By his stiff posture Gojyo could tell that he knew that Gojyo was watching him. By accident the brunette looked into the mirror above the sink and met red eyes. Gojyo was disappointed when he quickly looked away. He leaned back on the wall beside the rod holding the towel he'd just used, and waited until Hakkai had turned around to use said towel.

"You alright?" Gojyo said.

Hakkai flashed him a smile, but said nothing.

Gojyo sighed. "I meant, are you alright with what happened?"

Something in his tone made Hakkai look him in the face. He studied his friend's somber expression and thought he'd humor it with honesty. "No."

Gojyo blinked in surprise. He looked down at his shoes and said, "Oh." He didn't know what else to say. Hakkai moved past him and left the bathroom. Gojyo stood thinking for a second. He couldn't leave things like this. In the morning they'd be in the jeep with the other two, which meant they wouldn't be able to talk until the next town, which was who knows how many days away. He didn't even know how  _he_  felt about the situation. Hakkai or no Hakkai, he'd just had his first (sober) gay experience. He'd done it for Hakkai, but did that make it okay? He'd been as turned on as he usually was with a woman.  _That's pretty weird_ , he thought.  _In fact, I'm still hard…_

He shoved off from the wall and walked out of the bathroom. Hakkai was sitting on his bed and looked at him when he came in. His gaze flickered briefly to Gojyo's still-bulging pants.  _Pretty hard not to stare at,_  Gojyo assumed. He'd ignore it in favor of setting things right. As right as they could get, he supposed.

"'Kai, lemme explain, ok?" He stood a few feet from Hakkai and fiddled with his empty pants' pockets. Hakkai nodded and patted the bed beside him. "Sit down," he commanded, and Gojyo immediately obeyed. He sat far enough away that they could fit Sanzo between them, then stared at his shoes again.

 _Just go for it,_  he told himself.  _Man I hate this shit._  "You know how I told you about my mom? Well, she used to cry a lot. She used to make a face like you did, and I guess I just didn't want to see that on your face, too. So I said something stupid. And yeah it worked, but it sure didn't help, right? So'm sorry. And then I wanted to make it up to you… I figured, you gotta be frustrated, and there ain't anythin' like someone else doin' it for ya, right? And I thought, well, no one else will—Sanzo, never, and the monkey's out… And all the times I tried to get you to date someone you always turned 'em down…"

"Gojyo," Hakkai interrupted.

Gojyo didn't hear his name, too caught up in his excuses. "So I was like, well, it can't be that hard to do, and if it'll make ya smile…"

" _Gojyo_ ," Hakkai said again, more forcefully this time.

"Wait a sec, Hakkai—"

" _Gojyo!"_

Gojyo snapped his jaw shut and looked at Hakkai, shocked. Hakkai was frowning and staring at him. "I get it," he said, and Gojyo cracked a smile at him in response, looking hopeful.

"While I don't quite follow your logic, I can understand your motivation. I guess I'm… flattered you care enough about me to do that."

"Yeah," Gojyo said, relieved. He brushed the hair back from his face so he could better look at the healer beside him. "It's still kinda weird and I'm sorry. If you want, I can help you find someone…"

"Gojyo, that is not the issue here," Hakkai said and smiled a small, sad smile.

"Uh, then what is?"

Hakkai studied his face for a moment.  _He looks so serious, like really serious,_  Gojyo thought.

"Do you honestly want to know?"

Gojyo nodded.

"Even though I know you'll likely be upset?"

Gojyo nodded again, more hesitantly this time.

"Well, how shall I put this… It was only gratifying because it  _was_   _you_. Do you understand?" There was a desperate look in Hakkai's eyes, and Gojyo found himself staring into that look and feeling a kinship with that emotion. How many times had he looked at Mom that way and wished, 'love me'? His throat choked up and he found himself just staring dumbfounded at Hakkai. Hakkai kept the staring contest for as long as he could before he closed his eyes and whispered, "I'll take that as a yes."

There was an extremely awkward moment of silence. Then, "…Uh, 'Kai?"

"Yes?" He still didn't open his eyes, and his words were as soft as his lips looked. Without his eyes to stare into, the hanyou was staring at the only thing that had moved on his friend: his lips. Gojyo immediately snapped his eyes away when he realized that. God, what was wrong with him? One gay experience and he'd 'joined the other team', like Banri used to say? Gojyo swallowed hard and looked again. Hakkai's face was so still, almost closed off, but as he sat waiting for Gojyo's response with his eyes closed, his lips parted open slightly.  _They look soft, but are they? What would it be like to kiss a guy—kiss Hakkai?_ Curiosity inflamed, permission passively granted, Gojyo leaned forward until his face was in front of Hakkai's, which was only a tiny bit awkward since Hakkai's face was already toward him, and kissed him lightly.

Gojyo leaned back again as soon as it started, and Hakkai opened his eyes, brows furrowed. He looked confused, but that same desperation was there.  _Stop that; no one is supposed to look at_ me _like that,_  Gojyo thought. Gojyo kissed him again, longer this time. When he pulled back Hakkai's eyes were closed again, his face tilted up toward him. Expectant. Gojyo used his fingertips to keep Hakkai's face there. He kissed him hard this time, feeling emotions he'd never felt before. His hands were shaking, his cock was throbbing, and all he could hear was his heartbeat pumping in his ears.

Hakkai opened his mouth, flicking out his tongue. Gojyo quickly matched his pace. The kiss turned into something deep and hungry. Gojyo traced the contours of the healer's neck and chest with greedy hands; Hakkai had his elbows on Gojyo's broader shoulders and his hands in Gojyo's hair. Their tongues were dueling for dominance, leaving their lips slick and red. It was hard kissing with half their bodies facing each other and the other half sitting on the edge of the bed, so Gojyo automatically found himself pressing Hakkai's supple body to the mattress, found Hakkai's legs wrapping around him until he was trapped on top of him.  _Only fair,_  he thought.

Soon the kiss and their position had Gojyo's cock straining against his jeans, and it became unbearable. He reached down between them and adjusted himself. He had to open the button on his jeans, and just hope the zipper would hold. On his hand's way back to brace himself over Hakkai, he accidentally rubbed what was obviously Hakkai's reawakening arousal. It made him pause and moan. When both of his hands were steady on the mattress he pushed himself away from Hakkai, detaching their lips. He took a moment to lick the taste of Hakkai from them and try to get a grip on himself—mentally, of course. Breathlessly he moaned, "I gotta stop."

Hakkai's eyes were half-slits when he looked up. He looked dazed, happy, and horny. Gojyo had to admit, he looked good. He closed his eyes against the sight and said again, "Gotta stop."

"No, don't stop, Gojyo," Hakkai moaned, pulling at him hungrily and arching to touch lips to lips. Gojyo resisted, dragging Hakkai up with him as he sat back.

"Shit, 'Kai, I really gotta," Gojyo insisted. He was staring at those lips again. God, he'd always thought Hakkai was effeminate, but he'd always been a guy first and foremost. Not like Sanzo, who was a little girly besides that rough behavior. It was weird being with a guy, yet it seemed so right, and he couldn't get his head around that. He couldn't think straight like this. He wanted, no  _needed_ , to go all the way, but if he did, he was afraid he'd regret it. Afraid he'd really be taking advantage of Hakkai. Those words had really shocked him, before. What if they were true?

Gojyo realized that they had been sitting like this, with him kneeling between Hakkai's stretched out legs, for a good minute. Hakkai was watching him patiently. Gojyo closed his eyes against all of this.  _Hakkai is too good for me,_  he found himself thinking, and he wondered how it could be like this.

"'Kai, I think I'd better go back to my room now."

Hakkai hung his head, but didn't let go of the back of the kappa's neck. "…Am I no good?" Hakkai whispered.

Gojyo swallowed, watching Hakkai's shadowed face. "It ain't that 'Kai. I'm dyin' here. I gotta… gotta go," he finished lamely. He didn't want to admit out loud he was going to go jack off after just having Hakkai in his arms. That sounded so gay.

Hakkai reached between them and smoothed his hand over Gojyo's erection. To the hanyou's dismay the zipper hadn't held all the way and had unzipped halfway by itself. Hakkai's hand found the root of his cock hidden in his jeans and followed it up until it ghosted over hot flesh all the way to the tip. The touch sent lightning bolts up Gojyo's spine and he clutched Hakkai to him with a strangled moan. "Do you really want to leave?" Hakkai whispered in his ear. He flicked his tongue into the shell, making Gojyo shiver, before he kissed a wet trail down Gojyo's neck. "Ah, guh," Gojyo responded, cock twitching in Hakkai's tentative touch. Hakkai's fingers tried to slip into Gojyo's jeans, but there wasn't enough room. So they started yanking at the zipper, freeing more and more of his hardon to the air and those greedy fingers.

"Ah, 'Kai, no," Gojyo said, semi-coherent. "I mean… I don't wanna leave, but I gotta..."

"And why is that?" Hakkai politely asked into the flesh of his collarbone before kissing that too.

"Cuz shit, 'Kai, I wanna go all the way! And that's just… wrong," Gojyo admitted reluctantly.

Hakkai drew back and stared at Gojyo's blushing face. "Too fast for Sha Gojyo?"

"What? No!" Gojyo said, automatically getting defensive. "That's not what I mean."

"If it's because we're both men, I assure you that it works out perfectly fine."

Gojyo had to wonder what the hell Hakkai was talking about. "What?"

"Well, Gojyo, one man inserts his erect penis into the other's anus." That ghost of a smile really creeped Gojyo out.

"Uh, gross, 'Kai," Gojyo groaned. Not that he hadn't already known that, but the thought now made him feel pretty weird. Something in there? No way. Okay, so, to be honest, some girls had played with his asshole while they sucked him off, but that was different.

"No, it's actually quite enjoyable. You see," Hakkai began, looking at Gojyo from underneath his eyelashes. "The tight muscles, called the anal sphincters, grip—" he emphasized his words by gripping Gojyo's cock at the weeping head, and stroking down slowly as he spoke, "the erect penis, and squeeze, until it becomes unbearable and he ejaculates. As for the man on the receiving end, there is a very enjoyable spot inside him called the prostate, and as the other's penis rams into it over and over, he sees stars, and quickly comes all over himself." As Hakkai spoke he was teasing Gojyo's cock, and to said man's dismay, it was aching with lust at Hakkai's words, which were almost clinical and scientific, yet somehow erotic, in a purely Hakkai way. He'd never thought the words "erect penis" and "ejaculates" would be part of something he'd be turned on by.

Now, he was fumbling. "But uh... Doesn't it hurt?"

Hakkai's ghostly smile remained. His face was flushed, eyes bright like jewels in the dark room, his dark hair rumbled but still hanging straight over his bad eye... Yeah, still looking good. He spoke in a sensuous tone that Gojyo had never heard him use before. "Not if it's done right, with an experienced bottom. And Gojyo," he said then paused, running a finger across Gojyo's bottom lip. "I want you to make me see stars."

Gojyo's whole body flushed. It was a pleasant, tingling, hot sensation he'd felt only rarely before, when something really turned him on.

Yeah, he couldn't stop this. Hakkai had won.

"Fuuuuck," Gojyo groaned. He leaned down and smashed his lips to Hakkai's, almost trapping the guy's finger in the process. Hakkai made an approving noise, "Mm," and returned the kiss passionately.

He could totally do this after all. He'd done anal with girls before, and it wasn't like it could be that different right? And if Hakkai wanted it, who was he to say no?

He was really hating how Hakkai was overwhelming him, though. He hadn't felt like this since he was young and inexperienced, like a string ready to snap at just one touch or sound... Dammit, Sha Gojyo made others swoon over _him_ , not the other way around! Hakkai might be good at manipulation, but sex was  _his_  forte. So what if he'd never had sex with a guy before? He was still sex on two legs.

Speaking of never having sex with a guy before…

He pulled back. "Experienced bottom?" he said, accusingly, narrowing his eyes at Hakkai.

Hakkai looked up at him innocently. "Yes?" he said, as if he'd been addressed by name.

"You! You've done this before!" Gojyo hissed accusingly again.

"Why are you so surprised? We have rarely talked about our pasts." Hakkai was losing a little bit of that glint in his eye, so Gojyo brushed it off. They'd talk about this later,  _after_  great sex.

"Hmh," Gojyo grunted and kissed Hakkai again. He pushed Hakkai down until he was lying on his back while he stayed upright. He grabbed the waistband of the healer's pants and pulled. Hakkai wiggled, aiding his disrobing, until he was pantsless. Gojyo carelessly threw it to the floor. Hakkai made an annoyed noise, but that didn't last long. Gojyo's hands were running up his stomach, over his scar like it was nothing, until his whole chest showed. Hakkai watched him intensely, as Gojyo looked at him almost nude, before he pulled it over his head himself. He then lay naked under Gojyo, who still had all of his clothing on.

Hakkai impatiently tugged at the bottom hem of his wifebeater, and Gojyo quickly pulled it off. His long hair tumbled down, and Hakkai couldn't resist running his fingertips through the strands as Gojyo, who was staring at him with a hungry expression, pulled his jeans down until his erection was free. "You got lube?" Gojyo asked, distracting Hakkai from his hair. "Ah, yes," Hakkai responded and turned and reached for the bedside drawer. Typical Hakkai, putting all his stuff away even though they were moving on in the morning. He couldn't quite reach, so Gojyo leaned over and pulled the drawer open. He saw various articles, but immediately recognized the packaging of lube. He grabbed it and looked at the label. Scentless, flavorless, etc. Typical.  _He must use it to jack off, nothing more_ , Gojyo hoped desperately.

Gojyo poured a good amount into his hand and snapped the lid shut, putting it beside them on the bed in case they needed more. He coated his fingers in it then looked down at Hakkai. Hakkai looked expectant, and his smile seemed genuine as he watched Gojyo. When he saw the redhead pause, he asked softly, "Do you want me to-?"

"Hell no!" Gojyo said, a little indignant. Hakkai's smile was now laughing at him. His earlier determination not to be outdone by the thoroughly LESS experienced—because he had to be, dammit—man, came rushing back. He grabbed Hakkai's thigh with his non-coated, but still sticky, hand and positioned it so he could make out the shadow where Hakkai's hole should be. He was glad it was pretty dark in the room, and that he couldn't see it, unsure of how he'd react. He'd always thought girl's assholes were cute, so would it be the same for a guy? He wasn't willing to find out yet. The darkness also meant Hakkai didn't see the embarrassed blush spread across his cheeks. His fingers brushed inside the cleft until they found it. Hakkai jerked, so Gojyo teasingly smoothed the slowly warming viscous liquid over the muscle. It fluttered, clutching at him feebly. Gojyo pressed one finger slowly in, and the lube helped it slide forward. It was stopped by a much tighter muscle that was clenching and unclenching. Gojyo looked at Hakkai's face, which seemed to reflect his discomfort.

"It's been awhile," Hakkai explained. Gojyo responded by swirling his finger, attacking that muscle. Hakkai gasped and the muscle squeezed, before he took a deep breath and it relaxed. His finger slid in. It was warm and tight on his finger as he pushed it in all the way. The muscles fluttered around the intrusion nervously for a few seconds before going mostly still. Gojyo took that as his cue and he drew it out. "Hngh!" Hakkai protested, clutching at the pillow under his head.

"Shh," Gojyo hushed as he curled forward and laid kisses to Hakkai's neck. As he began to finger-fuck him slowly he made his way up that pale flesh, kissing, licking, and nipping, until he reached Hakkai's jaw, and from there went for a slow, exploring kiss. As he kissed he stroked in with a practiced hand. Soon Hakkai was panting hard and Gojyo gave him some room to breathe. Anyway, he was making these sexy little noises of pleasure and Gojyo didn't want to miss one sound. His erection was really becoming painful, though, so he decided to speed things up. As much as he'd like to go slow with this—this was a whole new experience with his best friend, after all—he just couldn't hold out. He poured more lube on his fingers and roughly pressed two fingers inside, scissoring viciously. "Ahh, hnn," escaped Hakkai before he covered his mouth. He was keeping his thigh up where Gojyo had left it, leaving Gojyo would two hands. He wanted Hakkai to be having fun with this, so he began to smooth lube covered fingers over the healer's hot shaft. "Aaah, Gojyo!" he mumbled past his hand. He fidgeted his legs a moment until he was comfortable, Gojyo's fingers hitting just that right spot. By the rigidity of his cock, Gojyo could tell he was holding back, too.

After a few agonizingly erotic minutes of that, he was relaxed  _there_  a lot more, and hopefully it was enough. He wanted to be in there too badly, now. "Shit," Gojyo hissed desperately as he pulled his fingers out. He poured more lube out and fisted it quickly over his erection. Too much attention here, and he'd be gone. He wanted to be  _inside_. He clenched his hands on Hakkai's ass and lifted him a few inches off the bed, spreading him open at the same time. The head of his cock bobbed against Hakkai's entrance. "Oh yes, Gojyo," Hakkai moaned, bracing his hands on the bed. Gojyo put his hips forward and his cock slipped hard against Hakkai's opening, but it was still too tight—or maybe he was too big—to go in like that. Hakkai quickly reached for it and directed it inside him. Gojyo thrust hard until he was more than halfway in. Hakkai cried out, loudly, then put his hand back on the bed and braced himself. His face was a look of discomfort, but they still shined in the scant light, looking directly at Gojyo.

It was amazing. He was inside of Hakkai. He'd never felt as close to someone as he did now, not in all the times he'd fucked. It had always been a nameless face, and then not even a face as time passed. It was always some quick fuck in a seedy motel, or the girl's house, or—before he'd met Hakkai—in his own house. He'd even had sex in whatever room they would drunkenly stumble into, even bathrooms. This hotel wasn't quite as seedy as those places, but it should be no different, right? But it wasn't. It really wasn't. Maybe he had moved too fast with Hakkai… but that was Hakkai's fault.

"Fuck," Gojyo moaned and began to move. If it was too soon for Hakkai, he didn't say. His face changed to one of desperate and needy pleasure once the fucking began. His hands clenched at the sheets and he bit his lip, trying to contain his sounds of pleasure. Gojyo's cock was HUGE, bigger than anyone he'd ever had before. And it was amazing. He hadn't been prepared enough, but he'd wanted this for a long time, and now that he had it there was nothing but pleasure. He was looking forward to not being able to sit correctly for a week.

Gojyo moved in strong, even strokes, hard but unrushed. He wanted to make this last as long as possible. He felt his pleasure rising higher and higher as Hakkai gripped his cock tight. It was Hakki lying beneath him, open and willing and taking it. So hot. Then he began to move his hips with Gojyo, matching his rhythm so Gojyo was impaled deeper inside him with each thrust. So good. That special spot was being hit now. Hakkai pushed back harder, hands fisting in the sheets, and then his vision turned white. He cried out as he came, his whole body stiffening. He continued to come, cum splattering on his chest, as Gojyo continued to pound into him while making desperate noises. He was close, himself. Hakkai kept his eyes on him the entire time, as he finally gave up when he felt Hakkai twitching around him. He mumbled curses and Hakkai's name as he came, going rigid, still seated deep within the healer. Hakkai, through the throes of his remaining pleasure, smiled as he felt cum filling him. Gojyo twisted his hips, drawing out the pleasure, gasping.

He was watching Hakkai back. As he lowered Hakkai to the bed, and gave up his death grip on Hakkai's ass in exchange for the bed, he was thinking he'd never seen Hakkai look better than he did right now. His cum was covering his chest and stomach, creating little rivulets and streaks over his many scars, both big and small. The largest one stood out above all, and that was the one that had received the full blow of it. It gleamed, turned white for now. Gojyo stroked it, spreading Hakkai's cum over it, contemplating.

He whispered, "Sorry, I came inside." Hakkai was watching him with an uncannily calm look, for one who still had a huge penis still inside him. At the words he smiled a genuine smile. "That's perfectly alright, Gojyo. I like it that way."

Gojyo couldn't help the flush. He'd never known anyone to affect him like this. He was still half-hard, and wanted more.  _That's pushing it_ , Gojyo thought, withdrawing himself as gently as he could from Hakkai's comforting warmth. Hakkai sighed, finally relaxing as Gojyo let him go. Gojyo lay down beside him and they lay there, breathing hard, watching each other. Gojyo finally couldn't help himself, and he brought his fingers to his lips. His tongue snaked out as the scent of Hakkai's spent pleasure invaded his nostrils. The taste and smell of it made his cock twitch. He personally liked the taste of a woman's aroused and/or satisfied pussy better, but this was Hakkai. That made it special. It was different than he'd expected, too; sexier. He'd always thought all guys smelled and tasted like his own, but apparently not.

Hakkai noticed his reaction, and Gojyo, in turn, noticed he was being looked at predatorily. Gojyo knew Hakkai's creepy side well. This was definitely that side, but instead of being of a savage anger, this was lust.  _He just had two orgasms!_  Gojyo thought in his head, pounding an imaginary fist down.  _There is no way he's ready for more, so he needs to stop looking at me like that…_

Hakkai turned over onto his side so that he was pressed up against Gojyo. The bed fit both of them on it perfectly. This was nice—he hoped Gojyo would stay the night. For more than one reason, he admitted to himself. He hadn't had nearly enough of Gojyo yet. He kissed him then, tasting himself before the brief taste was gone. Gojyo languidly gave him tongue, and they shared another soul-shearing kiss. He'd never had kisses like this, not with Kanan or any of his other bed partners. He wondered if Gojyo felt the same.

Gojyo, for his part, was freaking out in his head now. He tried to enjoy Hakkai's kiss, but he withdrew first when he couldn't take it anymore. He'd enjoyed it—hell, he'd enjoyed it all! But this was a guy, and like he'd been thinking before, how could this feel so right?

He figured he'd bang his head against that wall later. Right now, he had another erection to deal with. This time, it'd probably be best to do it alone. He'd handle this like any of his other conquests for now. "That was amazing," he said, his word echoing what he'd been thinking over and over since he'd orgasmed, thus it probably sounded much more convincing than usual. Hakkai hummed contentedly and clutched at him. Gojyo eagerly huggled back until he realized he was being drawn in again. "But uh, I gotta use the john," he continued, putting just a hint of self-reproach in his voice.

"Oh! Yes," Hakkai said, letting him go. Gojyo got up and climbed off the bed. To his pride, his naked walk was proud and steady. His continued erection was nagging at him as he walked, though. When he got to the bathroom, he quickly debated shutting the door, and settled between casually swinging it shut most of the way. Just enough prudency to make him feel better, but not uptight. The light was still on in the bathroom, so he easily navigated to the shower. He turned it on and stepped in, quickly rinsing off his penis and hands, enjoying the thrilling cold spray for the few seconds it took. Then he scoped around the bathroom and noticed the tiny, tiny bottle of multipurpose oil sitting on the sink, within reach of the toilet. It blended in with the tube of toothpaste and facial cleaners and soap on the sink, so he didn't chastise himself too hard for not seeing it earlier. He grabbed it and poured out a little bit on his hand.

That's when a voice stopped him in his tracks. "Don't do that," it said, reprimandingly. Gojyo looked at Hakkai standing just as naked as he was in the doorway, cum drying on his chest. He sidled up to Gojyo familiarly and held the wrist of the hand containing the oil. "Let me," he said.

"Huh?" Gojyo said, somewhat stupidly. His confusion quickly diminished when Hakkai went to his knees. "O—oi!" he said, already feeling a tingle of hot pleasure. Hakkai quickly took him in his mouth, without pretense. He sucked hard, making Gojyo's knees shake for a moment. He wanted to stay standing, all manly and proud, but it would be more embarrassing to fall down and look like a sensitive teenager. He quickly stumbled back with Hakkai's mouth on his very happy cock until he managed to flop down onto the toilet. There Hakkai could go to work without him messing it up. His unoily hand quickly found the back of Hakkai's head and followed its movement. He didn't need to direct. Hakkai was sucking his cock like a pro, like he'd sucked Gojyo's cock a dozen times in the past. Which, Gojyo was relieved to find after quickly scanning through memories, he never had. Not even when he'd been drunk enough to drop his pants.  _Hakkai really is a great friend for not taking advantage of me all those times_ , he thought.

"Mmm," he hummed, enjoying the attention. "Hakkai, your tongue is amazing…"

"Hmm-mm," Hakkai moaned around his cock. That made Gojyo thrust his hips without meaning to. Hakkai drew back until his mouth was free, making Gojyo moan in disapproval. He took a big gasp and said, "Like riding a bike," and went back to business, this time taking more down his throat.

Well, that was hot. Really hot. Gojyo moaned loudly, feeling his orgasm get just that much closer.  _Maybe I wouldn't have minded if he'd gone down on me before when I was drunk, he's good. And lord knows I need it half the time._ Suddenly an image of a drunk Sanzo with Hakkai going down on him popped into his head.  _Where'd that come from?_ he thought, groaning out loud. Before he knew it, he was coming, hard, in Hakkai's mouth. Hakkai fisted his cock with a hand while his lips and tongue sucked on the tip of his dick. Cum dribbled from his mouth. When it was done, Gojyo found himself sprawled over the toilet and clutching both the sink and tub to each side. Hakkai was licking his lips, looking up at him with hooded eyes. There was cum on his lips and chin, of which his tongue was still trying to get ahold of. Gojyo wiped his thumb over it, smudging it off, then allowed Hakkai to suck it off.

That felt good. He'd trained himself to go for more orgasms than two, but really, enough was enough. He mentally calmed his libido down, but kept that image and feeling firmly imprinted in his brain. That was quick orgasm material.

"Shit 'Kai, now I wanna know what else you can do," Gojyo said, before he thought better of it. Hakkai smiled at him, another genuine smile, and replied, "My pleasure. Anytime."

Gojyo grinned back, feeling warmth grow in his chest. It was rare to see Hakkai like this, and he couldn't help but be proud of the fact that he'd brought it on. And hey, there wasn't anything to complain about. He'd just had some of the best sex in his life. Okay, well, maybe not his life, but compared to recently, this was heaven. And he had no doubt that Hakkai could improve. This was just the first—

He mentally shook off the thought.  _Not until I sort out my head_ , he thought.

"Wanna shower?" Gojyo offered. Hakkai nodded, still smiling, and they stepped in. They took a quick shower, both of them tired, and in Hakkai's case, sore, enjoying the warm water and each other's bodies, in a non-initiating way. (Though, the image of his cum dribbling out of Hakkai's ass almost did it.) They then dried off, Gojyo unable to keep himself from playfully stealing Hakkai's towel and using it to dry his hair, all with a cheeky grin. That is, until Hakkai stole the towel around his waist and ran into the next room with it.

"Yo!" he almost shouted, then quieted himself. He chased after the silently giggling healer until they were tumbled in the bed, feeling rather silly. He eagerly cuddled up with the rather suddenly cuddly Hakkai, and with the blankets keeping each other's heat trapped against them, they fell asleep.


End file.
